Working Girl

Just a few of the encounters I’ve had with customers in the past couple of days:

“I’ve Got a Lot of Nerve”
May I use your phone?
Yes, if it’s a local call.
Why are you taking the phone over to that comfy chair to make your call? Why are you keeping the phone on the table next to you?
Why, when the phone rings, do you think it might be for you? Seriously?
Um, no, it’s the district manager and it’s for me. We’re running a business here.
Oh, well, I just have to make one more call at 2 p.m. What time is it?
It’s five to two. What am I? Your secretary?
I repeat we’re running a business here.
It’s on behalf of the mentally ill. I’m disabled.
I’m sorry about that but…we’re running a business here.

“I Am Not A Liar”
Do you have blueberry frozen blended beverages?
No, I don’t think we’ve ever had blueberry frozen blended beverages.
Maybe not in this location you didn’t but I assure you at one time blueberry frozen blended beverages were available.
I’ve been here for eight years. I don’t believe we ever had blueberry frozen blended beverages.
I’m not making it up. I’m not a liar.
I didn’t mean to imply that you were.
(It is entirely possible we had blueberry frozen blended beverages at one time and I’ve completely blocked it out of my memory. But we’re talking years ago.)
P.S. Thank you for purchasing $20 worth of drinks even though we didn’t have blueberry frozen blended beverages and you clearly thought I had insulted you by implying you were a liar.

“I Am Helpless”
I’m driving to Tampa from the East Coast with my friend. How far away am I?
About 150 miles.
It will take us ten minutes to order two drinks and two sandwiches.
Can you cut those sandwiches in half?
Can you carry them outside for us. My friend has weak hands.

“I Don’t Have My Receipt”
My cup broke and I want to exchange it for another one.
We don’t do returns or exchanges on merchandise without a receipt.
Fine, can I speak to your manager?.
He’s not here. I’m the manager at the moment.
All I want to do is exchange this cup for a new one. The lid came off and I dropped it and it shattered.
We don’t do returns or exchanges on merchandise without a receipt.
No one told me that.
Did you buy it here?
No, I bought it at another location a couple of miles further down the road.
Maybe you can take it back there and they’ll exchange it for you.
Why would I do that? I live a minute away from here.
I’m sorry ma’am. I suggest you try the other store.
I have my child with me. Why would I drive twenty minutes (it’s not a twenty-minute drive) to another store and subject my child to that?
No comment. Roll eyes. Feel blood pressure rise.
You can call corporate customer service. Maybe they can help you.
Why don’t you call them for me?
Corporate customer service is only open weekdays in another time zone during these hours.
Can you call your manager because I’m not leaving here until you do what I want you to do.
Fine. Manager says if you’re being that big a pain in my ass to exchange your cup.

“I Have My Receipt”
I need to exchange this cup because the person I bought it for has one already.
Do you have your receipt?
Yes, I do.
That’s lovely. I got into an altercation with a customer the other day who didn’t have a receipt.
I would never try to exchange something without the receipt.
What a pleasant surprise. Would you like a beverage today?
No, thank you.
Okay. We refunded the full amount to your credit card. Is there anything else we can do for you?
No, thank you. Have a nice day.
You have a nice day, too.
Why can’t all the customers be like you?

It IS good to be employed. But this is also why I write fiction.

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