From my journal:
This morning I went to walk Lake Mirror as I sometimes do. I took coffee from home to drink on the walk. The plan was to stop at “my” Starbucks after I walked and get a tall coffee and a muffin to enjoy on the trip home. As I drove toward the lake the voice in my head suggested I stop for donuts to bring to those working at Starbucks. But the “good” donut store was not on my way to the lake.
I went. I walked. I got back to my car with donuts still on my mind. I didn’t even have to go to “my” Starbucks. I could stop at one closer. But what about the donuts? Still not a convenient donut place to stop unless it was a Publix or a Dunkin. Publix or Dunkin donuts would be a last resort and nothing special.
I know! I’ll stop at the Krispy Kreme. It’s not too far out of my way. It’s on Florida Avenue…somewhere. I’ve never been there but I’ve passed it. I know what side of the road it’s on (I think). I’ll pick up donuts and go to my Starbucks.
But Krispy Kreme is not exactly where I kind of thought it was and now I’m not sure where it is. I pull over at a 7/11 and bring up my GPS to locate it. But when my old phone brings up the GPS it’s pointing out Krispy Kreme stores in St. Petersburg which is the last place I used the GPS. Even when I ask Google to find Krispy Kreme in Lakeland, it redirects me to go to St. Pete. By the time I realize that, I’m almost to Starbucks and I think, screw it. No one’s getting donuts today.
I go through the drive-thru and all the people I work with are there and come over to say hi and when I leave I’m still plagued by thoughts of donuts. And the thought won’t go away. On my route home is the “good” donut place and by now I’ve decided there’s a good reason I can’t get the idea of taking donuts to my fellow partners out of my head, so I pull into the parking lot, make sure I have enough cash and head to Hole in One donuts. There is a line snaking to the outside of the store and I think, wow. No good deed goes unpunished. Now I have to wait in line. There’s a sign near the door. Hiring for all positions. Like the signs you see everywhere nowadays. Not enough people working in the donut store. Resign myself to wait. And wonder again, why am I here? Because I’m pretty convinced at this point, this expedition is NOT about donuts.
The guy behind me starts a conversation about the now hiring sign and how no one wants to work and we both wonder what those who aren’t working are doing all day and how are they not bored? We discuss how long we’ve been at our jobs. Him 12 years, me 18. But I think we both agree that the country will weather this current era, and I think we can never give up hope.
The voice in my head, is that the Holy Spirit? I did just journal yesterday about how I don’t want to write any more. The state of the publishing industry is so discouraging and I often wonder what is the point of writing books and publishing them?
I ended that entry with,
“I don’t know. God? Help me please.”
Am I meant to write something else? (Like blogs about the voice in my head that won’t leave me alone, for example?)
I drop off the donuts still questioning the meaning of this morning’s donut quest. Is it about sacrifice? None of this was convenient for me. Is it about following God’s plan instead of my own? About listening when guidance is offered?
As always I end up with more questions about mysteries and miracles, and I think isn’t that what faith is? Following without having all the answers. Allowing ourselves to be guided though doubt and uncertainty. Not being afraid to post blogs like this which make others think I’m some kind of religious whacko.
Maybe it’s that someone at Starbucks was praying for donuts this morning, and I was the answer to their prayer.