My Vein, My Blood – #22

5-30-04

I’m not done with my Phantom rough draft that my goal was to complete by June 1st.  Easier said than done.  But I haven’t given up on it, either.  Maybe today I’ll go to B & N and get some NYC maps and CA maps.  I bet actually they have those free at AAA.  I should ask before I buy them.  I keep wondering where I put that other journal.  It seems to have disappeared.  I just reviewed my list of things I wanted.  Some of them may have changed.  But actually, even if it didn’t happen this year, doesn’t mean it won’t at some time in the future.  What do I want?  I want to be inspired.  Every morning I look at the blue sky above the green of the pines and I think, “God, you’re awesome.”  And at night I see the stars and think, “God, you’re awesome.”  How did God come up with this?  It’s mind boggling.  How can people who live in this world not get that?  There’s a being that’s so far above us he conceived us, this planet and everything in it and around it.  How can you not be inspired by that?  That kind of power.  How can you not be subservient to it?  To Him.  He is the master of everything.  He can squish us like bugs if he chooses to.  I think he does.  The proud shall be humbled.  So many examples of that.  God, I’m sorry.  The Catholic Church doesn’t inspire me as much as you do.  If you want me back there, send me, because I won’t go on my own.  I’m scared sometimes.  But I know the church isn’t the answer for me any more.  It did me a lot of good.  But I’m ready for whatever you have in store for me.  What’s next on the spiritual agenda?  I’m scared even asking that.  But I know there must be more.  If I’m ready in your eyes, bring it on. J

6-5-04

I think sometimes I forget how blessed I am.  I always had thoughts of how my life had been unmarred by real and serious tragedy.  Things happened around me, to other people I knew, but not to me. Then D’s accident happened.  As awful as it was, it didn’t happen to me.  Where was this thought going?  That I’m still pretty blessed. And I have a lot to be thankful for.  That book about happy people, the first thing was appreciate what you have.  Look around.  No matter how bad you’ve got it, someone else always has it worse.  R’s parents lost their daughter.  Remember that other teacher a few years ago who lost two of her children in a drunk driving car accident.  It can always be worse.  Always.  Be thankful for what you have. Thank God in ALL things. Thank you God for everything I have and everything I don’t have.  What else do I want?  A laptop computer. Preferably one I don’t have to pay for myself!

6-6-04

Wasn’t today just a super day?  Thank you, Jesus.  The pizza was delicious.  Reading, relaxing. D’s tutor showing up.  Things go well.  God you are so good to me.  And thanks for my easygoing husband who agreed to cheese pizza.

When I’m thin

I’ll tuck my shirts in

To my jeans

And by all means

My waist won’t hang over the top.

When I’m thin

It won’t be a sin

To eat a carton of ice cream

Or wear clothes about which I now dream

When I’m thin

I’ll be the envy of all

The women my age

They’ll want to take a page

Right out of my book

When I’m thin

My outside will match my in

There won’t be a roll

Of fat near my soul

Or anywhere else.

 

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