My Vein, My Blood – 21

Morning Pages 11-18-03

I got me a full cup of coffee and a seat on the deck so let’s see if we can figure out what’s bugging us.  DW’s family.  Dad without a dog.  Holidays.  T’s shower.  All the thing I do wrong.  Christmas is on a Thursday. 

Time for Glad Tidings and Cups full of Cheer? 

Startling even the Snowmen it’s that time of year.

How did it happen, where’d the days go?

Seems like we saw you just a year ago.

So shore up your strength, gather your mirth

It’s another Meyers get-together for what it’s worth.

On Saturday the 27th we will all gather

At ………………………… unless you’d rather

Not come around 7, we’ll understand

Just RSVP before we strike up the band

If you bring food to eat or a drink to share

We’ll let you leave no worse for wear

Whatever you bring you’ll take home with you

Breathing a sigh of relief.

We hope leftovers will be few

This rhyme is in the toilet, I do the party

For my daughter who’s been abandoned

Her whole life by her extended family.

But I count her lucky because at least

Her family of origin hasn’t abandoned her.

So this pathetic attempt at a tradition

The holidays pretty much suck around here since no one gives a shit about us anyway.  God, we’re pathetic.  So much for the morning pages.  Gee.  I think I know what’s bugging me.  Should have called C last night.  What if it was a God whisper like they were talking about on Oprah?  What always happens when you don’t follow your instincts?  Bad things!

11-19-03

I guess I figured out what was bothering me.  I set up lunch w/C for which I’m really happy.  I still fear rejection.  Trying to break that cycle with D.  I must ask her how important a holiday party is to her.  Have to remember this might be her only tradition.  She’s not going to have a lot of family around either.  So invite and whoever shows up shows up.  And that’s the way it is.  I think I’ll get K one of those red Christmas mugs and a lb. of coffee.  Need to get DH something.  Definitely.  Don’t have much for Mom and Dad.  Pefume for S.  Kids?  Starbucks cards.  Need to make T’s gift.

Later that same day…I think everything is a message, a sign, an opportunity to learn and grow if you are only open to it.  Even something as simple as you don’t go to bed and you’re flipping channels and you come across something that’s really significant to you.  Maybe a tidbit, something small.  Something that reinforces what you’re discovering about yourself or some area you’re working on.  Like today was horrible, but can I still count my blessings.  I’m glad I have a phone.  I have technology, aggravating as it can be.  I’m glad my husband comes home at night.  My kids are doing okay.  Everyone survived another day.  I have S.  I’m looking forward to lunch/hanging out w/C on Friday.  I think I did the right thing.

11-20-03

We’re all terrorists.  What was Columbine?  Waco?  Oklahoma City?  We breed terrorists here in the U.S. born out of poverty and ignorance.  Drive-by shootings and gang wars.  Isn’t that terrorism?  If you fear for your life every time you walk out of your own house.  What about the incidents of individuals walking into their places of employment and opening fire?  That’s terrorism.  Yet we’re only really shocked and appalled when it’s foreigners on our soil or elsewhere who use bombs to blow up big buildings and kill lots of people.  What about all the little acts of terrorism.  The every day ones like child abuse we turn a blind eye to.  I think Bush’s opponents resent his self-assuredness.  It comes from God and his faith and belief that he’s fighting the good fight.  When’s the last time a righteous man inhabited the White House?  Someone who answered to a Higher Power instead of seeking his own glory?

5-28-04

I am feeling very sad today.  BJ is not supportive when I express my frustration with what D is going through and how they’re trying to find a way to prosecute her.  What good does anger do in the aftermath of the death of a child?  How does persecuting another child, the one you view as responsible, help your pain?  That’s what I don’t understand.  If D had died the same way would I be so vindictive?  I don’t know.  I think of R all the time. Her loss hurts in ways that are barely comprehendable.  I expect my friends to come to my defense, be on my side.  Not force me to look at things from their perspective.  I hate all of this.  I hate that D’s life got so hard so soon.  My princess.  She should have it easy always.  Did I raise her with enough grit to get through this?  That’s my fear.  That she’s too soft.  That she’ll crack.  Fall apart.  Never recover.  Life is not fun for her any more.  At 17, it should still be fun.  But life isn’t fun for R’s family either.  Our little bit of suffering is nothing compared to theirs.  I wonder if they’ll go to Maine this summer.  R’s death has surely created all kinds of chaos for them.

I just whacked some of my hair off in the back.  That probably didn’t help anything and it’s probably uneven.  Only 3 weeks since my last haircut.  But I didn’t like the way the back looked at the bottom. What else do I want?  If the travel thing works, what else was on that list?  Or what should I add?  I want to be in great physical shape.  Firm and fit.  I want B to be interested in me.  I want my appeal to broaden.  I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel sexy.  Did I ever know?  What is sexy?  I want to finish Phantom.  Finish it.  Whatever that takes. Whatever it means. I want it to sell and be a big splash in the marketplace.  I want to be more spiritual.  I want D to soar.  I want R’s family to not hurt so much.

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