Like the Song Says, “How Bizarre”

Some of my friends send me e-mails about the interesting situations in which their friends and family find themselves.  Here’s one:  (Names have been changed.)

This would be funny if it wasn’t so bizzare.

Here’s the gist.


Doreen is the eldest of six daughters her mother produced. Not one child is from the same father. Mom was married 3 times, but the other 3, including Doreen, are  . . . well, are they still considered illegitimate? (term no longer has the negative connotation it once held, but Doreen grew up with the stigma.)

Mom always told Doreen her father had the last name Sadler–Doreen went by Doreen Sadler until she married Carl–and she was born in Missouri. Mom moved with toddler Doreen to Florida where Doreen spent the next 6 years of life with her dirt-poor maternal grandparents on a farm outside of LaBelle.

At age 8, Doreen’s mother took her back. Mom has another toddler and is preggers and in midst of divorce from pregger baby’s dad. Had a job with the sheriff’s dept. in whatever county LaBelle’s in. From that point forward, Doreen became the babysitter for younger sisters Mom continued to produce and went thru 3 step-fathers.  

One of those sisters, Valerie, stole Doreen’s identity over 20 years ago. Carl and Doreen spent two years with fed investigators to get everything straightened out. Valerie bi-polar druggie, did lots of jail time and became a fugitive while out on probation.  


Doreen’s driver license, which she’s had for 9 years, is due in Nov. Off she trots last week to renew at local DMV office. They inform her they can’t renew until she presents birth certificate and SS card. Doreen produces SS card, but has no birth certificate. Isn’t that good enough? There’s nothing pending against her. No speeding tickets, parking fines, no warrants. What’s wrong that she can’t just renew her license?  

SS card not enough. Gotta produce birth certificate. They don’t know why. It’s just what the computer is telling them. 

Doreen steamed. Goes home and spends two days going through paperwork she had from when her mother died. Finds no birth certificate.  

Calls Missouri. Gets transferred from one dept. to another. What date was she born, what county, mother and father’s names. In the end, no record of her birth. Better yet, the last woman she talks to says there’s something weird. Her name is red-flagged in the Missouri state computer system. Must do some research. Will call Doreen back. 

Turns out Doreen is flagged cuz her name’s on the fed homeland security list as a “threat”. Woman tells her she’s turned it over to someone else in Missouri.  

On Thurs. Doreen gets call from some Missouri state investigator. He’s full of Q’s, and Doreen can’t answer any of them. He gets all professional investigator on her and tells her she doesn’t exist. Kincaid must be an alias. In which case, her SS# is invalid. Her marriage to Carl isn’t valid. Her entire life is a hoax on the American public.  

The guy then tells her he’ll continue research, but if she doesn’t get a letter from Missouri containing her birth certificate in the next week, she needs to get an attorney.  

Like I said, too bizarre to be funny. Poor Carl trying to calm her down and tell her it’ll be okay. And she’s flipping out.

 Meanwhile, Doreen got calls from two of Valerie’ adult children over 4 years ago who needed money to bury her. Which Doreen sent, but not before getting a death certificate from the state of Tennessee, which was where Valerie was living at the time. Drug overdose.  

So now Doreen’s wondering if Valerie maybe didn’t die. Maybe she’s still using Doreen’s personal information.  

Regardless, apparently Doreen’s mother didn’t tell her the truth about who her father was, or equally likely, didn’t know who the father was. Nor was Doreen born in Missouri, apparently.  

Is that just some weird stuff, or what?



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