I will miss you. I don’t know why. I try very hard not to get attached to my children’s significant others until I see a ring on a finger, but after two and a half years of including you in every holiday and family event, saying good-bye is killing me. This isn’t even about me. I know that and yet I feel this crushing sadness I can’t define.
Is it because I thought my small family would soon enlarge to include you? I began to count on a future that now will never happen? I can’t even talk to you on the phone without crying.
Maybe your pain reopened old wounds I’d thought long-healed. No one likes to be on the receiving end of a break-up. One thing if it’s your idea. Quite another when the other party instigates it. I’ve been dumped. I didn’t like it thirty-plus years ago and I don’t like seeing someone else go through it, even when I understand the reason for it.
I look at the Christmas gifts I bought for you all wrapped with your name on them and I don’t know what to do. Will giving them to you make you even sadder? If you keep them will you think of him every time you look at them? Or can you separate yourself enough to know he had nothing to do with these gifts? They’re from me to you because after I told myself not to get attached, I love you. I’m going to miss you.
Just writing that brings tears to my eyes. I had such plans for the holidays. Small plans, but anticipation, just the same. The matching gifts I bought for you and for my other child, watching you both open them at the same time, hoping you’d like them as much as I hoped when I picked them out.
Christmas Day I’m reduced to this: putting your gifts in a big shopping bag and dropping them off to you. This is after a text message and a phone call during which I start to cry. I’m afraid I’ll start crying when I see you and make you feel worse than you already do.
I keep asking myself, who’s going to drink cheap white zin with me? The next girlfriend? If there is a next girlfriend?
I hope you know it isn’t you. You deserve someone who can love you completely, the way you deserve to be loved. Someone who can commit to you completely. We all thought he was “the one.” But he’s not and I have to give him credit. He’s wise enough to know that. Yet losing you is truly devastating. For me.
Maybe it’s menopausal hormones. Maybe it’s another loss piled on so many others this past year. Maybe it’s hating seeing anyone I care about be hurt. I can’t explain it. Or why I’ve cried so many tears over it. Even now. They just flow and flow and I get sadder and sadder.
The best thing you can do for me and for yourself is get to over this and be happy. Find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved and go for it.
Then we can both stop crying.