Baring The Soul

2015-02-06 22.14.14 (4)My husband asks what’s wrong when I fall on my face on my bed. Yesterday we had a brief discussion when I pointed out this irony to him: As quoted in Sunday’s newspaper article about me in the Lakeland (Florida) Ledger, I used to look at all my unpublished manuscripts and ask myself, “Why are you doing this if you aren’t going to get any of them published?” Which pushed me to pursue finding a publisher. But now I ask myself, “Why do you pursue publishing when your books don’t sell?”

Bill’s reply was, “Because you enjoy it? Because it gives you something to do? Plus,” (said jokingly) “we need the tax deductions?”

Today, however, sadness and disappointment reign. Every time I feel like I’m getting somewhere I fall further and further behind. That newspaper article was GREAT! I am so thrilled with it. The pictures I worried about because I’m not very photogenic were good. Maybe I can get some mileage, some followers, some fans, some buyers of my books out of this! Or…maybe not.

Already, because my publisher is struggling, and may go out of business, my print books are disappearing from book buying sites. Realistically, how many people who even read that article are going to turn around and go look for my books and buy one? Tell their friends? Write a glowing review?

My friend has designed some beautiful bookmarks for me. I have a booksigning event coming up May 1st. Now I’m wondering, should we take my publisher’s name off of them? Good thing we haven’t printed them yet.

I always get discouraged when books I’ve read that I didn’t think were that great (I know, I know, mine is just one subjective opinion) get glowing reviews and are nominated for prizes. My inner child cries, “But what about me? How come no one likes my books?”

My books still haven’t found an audience. Bill says, “Who’s your audience?” I know it’s not people my daughter’s age or younger. It’s people my age. If only I could get a good write-up in AARP magazine, I’d be set.

Bill’s right in that I enjoy writing, but I only enjoy the creative part of it. I hate all the administrative detail part of it. He says then just do the creative part. Yeah, well, if that’s all I do, I’ll once again be surrounded by unpublished manuscripts.

He says, “Barbara, people who lack any real talent are applauded by today’s society. They turn into celebrities but have never really done anything. Then they “write” books that are garbage. And you know they had ghost-writers. So you just have to keep writing the best books you can write. And let all this other stuff go.”

Yes. I know that. I’d like to do that. I should do that. Because all that other stuff gets into my head and I forget that writing the best books I can write is what I set out to do in the first place. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else is doing. I’m only competing with myself.

#amwriting #publishing #books


  1. Hey, girlfriend. Been there, nod, always come back to the writing for the writing’s sake.

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