Why I Don’t Cook

This morning in an effort to get my diabetic husband to make better food choices I decided to make a blueberry muffin recipe I found on the internet.  This is how it went: 

First of all, a couple of days ago I bought what I thought was a butternut squash which the recipe calls for at the local Wal-Mart grocery store.  I looked at the label on the bin and all I saw was “butternut squash” and the price per pound.  So I picked one up.  When I got home I had to look up how to cook butternut squash because I never have.  This is when I discovered the squash I had was a spaghetti squash and for the first time I noticed there was a big gold label on it that said “Spaghetti Squash.”  Hmmm.  I took off for the nearby Publix to purchase a butternut squash.  Luckily I found one and hope it is big enough to yield one cup cooked and mashed.

In both stores I searched for and didn’t find buckwheat flour.  I don’t even know what buckwheat flour is or how it differs from regular whole wheat flour which is what I bought.

I am fairly certain I have all of the other necessary ingredients on hand.  Prior to consuming coffee  this morning (I should know better) I begin the baking process.  I stab the poor butternut squash skin numerous times with a sharp knife as directed and microwave it.  It looks very much like a sweet potato when it’s done.  Already I’m thinking could I just use sweet potatoes in this recipe?  No seeds to scrape out.  Much less work.

I can’t read the amount needed for the baking powder.  Somehow the numbers are all smushed together.  It’s either 1 1/3, 1 1/2 or 1 1/32 of a teaspoon.  I cross my fingers and go with 1 1/2 teaspoons.  Visions of gigantic, puffed up, exploding muffins fill my head.

I measure and add and mix and fold until I do believe my muffin batter is ready to bake.  Oven preheated.  Check.  Muffin tin sprayed with non-stick spray.  Check.  I slide those babies into the oven feeling quite proud of myself.  I realize after a few minutes I forgot to set the timer, so I guesstimate how much longer is needed.

Fifteen minutes later I pull my muffins out of the oven.  They look okay.  They look done.  I decide I might have a success on my hands.  For once.

I take a couple out of the pan.  Cut into one.  Taste it and congratulate myself.  I have just spent an entire hour creating a dozen muffins that have absolutely no flavor whatsoever.  They are bland beyond belief.  My husband comments he can’t even taste the blueberries.

I suggest to him that perhaps a little orange marmalade on top would give them a bit of flavor.  He thinks this is an excellent idea even though I remind him that defeats the purpose of consuming a muffin created for a diabetic. 

Then I admit that the recipe called for a quarter teaspoon of orange peel but I wasn’t about to purchase an entire orange just to get a quarter teaspoon of peel.  But that gives me a great idea.  The next time I make these, I will just add a little bit of orange marmalade since there is orange peel already in it. 

I review the recipe and realize I forgot something, so make a note to myself to also add that teaspoon of cinnamon the next time. 


If you have read A FOREVER KIND OF GUY now you know where Hayley gets her non-existent cooking skills and why it’s sort of a running gag throughout the book. 

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