My Vein, My Blood – 6

2-22-04:

I’ll admit I’m confused.  I don’t like to admit to confusion.  No one does.  Should I continue going to church professing to believe in an establishment, a religion, I don’t 100% believe in?  I feel very hypocritical doing that, even though I went to Catholic church almost my whole life and didn’t have a problem with it.  But A) how can the church condemn homosexuality when so many of its priests are homosexual? B) how could it spend all those years protecting and promoting pedophiles? C) how can you profess to believe that it’s the one true Catholic and apostolic church?  What does apostolic mean, btw?  I’ll go look it up.  “pertaining to apostles or their times; according to their doctrines or practices.”  Okay, not what I thought it meant.  But still, aren’t Catholics of the belief that non-Catholics are condemned?  Does God want us to judge each other?  Who are we to be judges of humanity’s worthiness?  We’re all human, fallible.  We don’t know the mind of God.  How can we profess to do so?  To have the authority over others?  Some would claim what?  That God gave certain humans (the 12 apostles or 11 after Judas betrayal) that ability and they passed it on to priests through the years?  Well, through the years it got a little screwed up, didn’t it?  Yet I think churches serve a function.  I’m just not sure they serve a function for me any more.  And how can I continue with something that feels wrong?  When S asked if I’d asked God what to do about R’s b/d I said no.  But then I knew I didn’t have to ask Him per se specifically about that one thing.  Because God lives in me.  I knew already what I had to do—it’s what feels right, what you’re urged to do.  The God voice inside us.  Do it from the heart.  God isn’t external. He’s internal.  We fight against letting him guide us.  We’re all called in different ways.  When we don’t listen, we suffer.  We need to be tuned into that voice all the time and ask to be constantly guided, ask for “fine” tuning so we can always hear God’s instructions and do what he wants us to do.  A church setting may help you learn that.  It’s not that I don’t need God or that I’ve abandoned my beliefs.  It’s just the church setting I’ve walked away from.

3-26-04:

I am not a terrible person just because I want my daughter to drive herself to community service and work.  Why do I feel so guilty?  What awful thing did I do that caused R to die?  By telling D she could go to a late movie?  That was my sin?  My part in all of this?  Because I wasn’t quick enough to voice my objection.  And objection I barely had.  Because I had too much confidence that nothing bad would happen because I lead this charmed life and nothing bad ever happens to me.  I feel terrible that R’s family is in so much pain.  But nothing I do now will return R to them.  That’s the kicker.  We all want R back and it’s never going to happen.  I thank you God for this experience.  For every bit of remorse or guilt or sadness or empathy you’ve allowed me to experience.  I’ve no idea how it’s benefited me.  I just trust it’s part of your plan.  Well, if I’m not going to work on Phantom I might as well do housework.  The kitchen floor is clean at least.   I’m glad I’m feeling sad because I hope that means K is less sad today.  I hope I absorbed some of it.  I hope everyone in that courtroom did.  I might as well direct my energy somewhere it will do some good.

4-1-04

April Fools!  I think I’ll get D a card and match the $100 she got from Coldstone.  And I think I’ll write her a letter outlining the huge strides she’s made thus far.  So I can stop feeling like I’m always on her case.  I’m hungry.  I’m gong to the beach today.  One way or another.  After the bug guy comes.  Hope they’re early.  It was so pretty out this morning.  I woke up before 5.  But I went to bed at 9:30!!

4-6-04

I was walking through the Vineyards yesterday and there was an old lady walking behind me after I turned around.  Dogging my heels.  Slap, slap, slap, went her shoes on the sidewalk.  Was she walking faster than me?  Would she overtake me?  I thought it a sick metaphor for my own thoughts of time passing, of age catching up to me, of not accomplishing enough.  Which is all part of my cyclical discouragement about writing.  Nothing is “right” or good enough.  My conflicts don’t work.  Why am I doing this?  Maybe I just need a vacation and to stop pressuring myself.  This is because I’m stuck on Phantom again.  I need to figure out why I keep getting stuck.  Is it because I don’t want to write it?  Because I’m so unsure of the message I want to send.  What is that book about?  That what you see cannot be believed?  That what’s on the surface isn’t all that’s there?  That you always have to dig deeper to uncover the truth?  Is Zoe not heroic enough?  What if Ben isn’t even a priest?

4-15-04

Maybe I should stop looking at is as cyclical discouragement and view it as down time to “think” about writing.  You can’t just expect it all to go along smoothly especially when you’re writing a more complex book.  You have to think about it.  Conspiracy Theory meets Mission Impossible.  I could e-mail a query to that NAL editor on TCON.  Probably need to re-do that.  I’m starting to forget my stories.  My characters.  Have I lost my enthusiasm and excitement about writing or have I just become more pragmatic?