My Vein, My Blood – 9

12-2-04:

I am so annoyed.  B went to hospital at 11 a.m. for a kidney stone procedure that was scheduled for 12:45.  It’s 5:45 and he’s in the O.R.  The machine broke.  At 3 p.m. they’d just taken him into pre-op!  Is this stupid or what?  I am so disgusted.  Poor B!  I feel so bad for him.  The health care system is so screwy.  He could have had this done in dr’s office ages ago and been done with it.  It makes me so angry.  Why doesn’t NCH have one of these machines on site?  Why do they have to ship one down from Tampa every Thursday?  It’s ridiculous.  Be thankful in all things.  Thank you, Jesus that we’ve had this glitch in B’s treatment today.  Please make this procedure successful and help him to heal.  Thank you that I got to see J today.  Thank you for this time of worry and concern.

3-1-05:

Okay this must be written down.  I had that dream about KS offering me $205,000 for my book—so I’m stuck on 2/05.  Then I was reading The Goddesses of Kitchen Avenue and there’s a writer in it who sells her 1st book (finally) for $5000 and a 2nd for another $5000.  In February.  What is this my lucky #?  2 & 5 in some sort of combination?  It keeps coming up.  Maybe I’ll get “the call” at 2:05 EST on the 2nd day of the 5th month with an offer of some combination of 2 & 5.  $25,000?  $250,000?  $205,000?  Two books for $5000 each?

5-16-05:

I am so annoyed.  I came home and had to pee badly.  Went out garage and put door down to let dogs out only to find that locks had been installed on all those doors and they were all locked.  So were doors upstairs.  Oh, I was pissed.  Thought I couldn’t get in until I remembered the garage windows were open so got in to find dogs had pooped and peed all over the floor.  That pissed me off more because I let them out last night and this morning and they stand there and look at me and do nothing.  Oh, it’s so aggravating.  So I yelled at them and literally kicked them both out the door.

6-22-05:

Is it possible I have no talent?  Is Phantom just a piece of crap?  I don’t even know why I ask myself these questions when I know it isn’t true.  The problem is finding an agent/editor who shares my vision.  The only way to do that is to keep putting it out there and narrowing the field.  Otherwise I don’t know why I’d be so compelled to create these stories.  If it isn’t my gift why must I write it down?  What am I not doing?  Maybe the finished product wasn’t perfect.  But my God, then how does someone like K get an agent?  Although true her agent of two+ years hasn’t sold any of her work and is giving her fits over her latest effort.  There are no easy answers.  That’s the lesson I guess.  You just keep plugging away and eventually you hit it.  If you quit you’ll never get there.

7-7-05:

There’s something wrong with Phantom but I’m not sure what it is.  Character development?  Are they not complex enough esp. Zoe?  Am I only skimming the surface?  Maybe I need to put it away for awhile (another year?) and look at it then?  Geez.  I could concentrate on Kaylee for awhile, develop the secondary romance and query on it and see what happens.  I’m so tired of everything right now.  I can’t believe I spent all that time running around to get R.O. filters and now the spigot doesn’t work.  Geez.  I can’t win.  I forgot I was going to try to go shopping w/D in Ft. Myers today and try to meet M.L.  Maybe I can set it up for next Thursday.  I should stop playing Spider Solitaire and journal instead.  I’m sure it would be more beneficial.  Life seems to be zipping by me and I don’t feel I’m accomplishing much.  I’m foiled at every turn.

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