My Vein, My Blood – 5

1-19-04:

I think we overestimate how much people care…about anything.  Like if that girl at Coldstone was working drunk and C knew and did nothing—maybe he just doesn’t care how that business is represented.  It’s not his store.  He just works for the owners.  Maybe he doesn’t give a shit about any of it.  And this thing about not wanting to show your true self to others because you don’t want to destroy the illusion they have of you is just b.s.  Because if you’re worried about shattering their illusion of you they don’t know you anyway—they only know that illusion which is a false front you’ve allowed them to see or just a part of who you are.  And if you allowed them to see you be weak and vulnerable and needy maybe it would help them because maybe they think you’re always so strong and don’t have moments like that so they’re just showing you an illusion, too.  And if that’s true no one ever knows anyone very well and there’s no such thing as real intimacy because your true heart never touches anyone else’s true heart.  So we all just have to be who we are and stop hiding our warts and flaws and weaknesses.  And don’t be afraid.  I’m hungry.  Those ribs better come out good because I’m about ready to gnaw my arm off.  That guy who gave me the finger because I honked because he infringed on my right of way really pissed me off.  What a jerk.  Everyone’s just wandering around in the stores, blocking the aisles, just standing there not even aware of people trying to get by them. They’re clueless.  When I’m like that I hope I have someone to go shop for me so I’m not in the way.  C.M.’s talking about areas of low self-esteem and whose approval do you need?  My own.  I don’t approve of myself.  I despise my lack of self-discipline.  I think my priorities are screwed up.  And writing-wise I haven’t accomplished what I’d hoped to do.  It’s taken me so long and I’m so slow!

1-21-04:

I thought maybe it was warmer outside than inside but it isn’t.  Obviously I’m not getting any writing done this morning.  Maybe journaling will relieve the stress that’s causing yet another headache?  How many days in a row is it?  Well, let’s concentrate on what’s gone right lately.  I’m getting my chair!  Yay!  The doctor’s office owes me $ not the other way around.  And what else?  I get paid to go to a training class today.  Only 20 some hours this week.  Yay!  What else?  B’s bonus.  Good or bad depending if we get sued or not I guess.  My headache’s getting worse, not better.

2-1-04

Super Bowl.  Boring.  Teams I don’t care about.  My love affair with food.  It’s all in my head.  Okay, so I had some chips and salsa after the entire Totinos pizza. And some Hershey bar.  But I didn’t stuff myself.  Still, I wasn’t hungry.  But I mentally wanted to taste those chips and salsa.  For a week I’ve had none even though I bought them cuz they sounded good.  Then I got them home and ate none.  I should just drink a big glass of water every time I think “I’m hungry.”  See if that satisfies me.  I need to clean the gutters.  But then I need to do a lot of things around here.

2-10-04

What drives us?  Look at D.  Soon she’ll be able to say, “I told you so” to anyone who ever doubted her.  I really think she’ll succeed—possibly in a big way.  She can do anything she puts her mind to.  I wonder about D.  Is she haunted by R’s death?  Does she tell R she’s sorry when she’s alone at night and crying?  Will she hit snags in her life as a result of the accident?  If it’s true that the lessons we’re given will be the same no matter what set of circumstances we’re in, then this experience was meant for D for a reason we can’t see and don’t know.  To make her more reverent and caring?  Less “of herself”?  I don’t know.  It seems cruel in a similar way to how D’s life has been a challenge from Day One.  Everyone gets their challenges at different times in their lives.  My kids seem to get them young.  Maybe I did, too, and I just didn’t realize I cuz it was so subtle.

2-12-04

I plan to officially close the guest room.  Why keep one at the ready for guests who never visit?  It’s ridiculous.  And a waste of space.  I’ll keep two twin mattresses I think just in case anyone shows up.  The only 2 people who might are S and S.  That’s about it.  So say good-bye to all those other “possible” visitors.  Ain’t going to happen.  They aren’t interested and they don’t care.  Get it through your head.  There is no real relationship here.  We all just go through the motions and some of us don’t even bother to do that.  Sigh.  Oh, well.  Move on.  Your childhood baggage is just that.  So leave it behind.  Thank God my headache seems to be fading.  I need to pull out my maps of Miami and Miami Beach to take with me.  Need to get film, too.  Maybe the kids would like to come over for the day on Tuesday?  Probably a bad idea.  I envision a house and bed full of fleas upon my return if he brings Callie, though.  And what was the other thing that was bugging me?  K and his attitude which I’ve recently realized is a lot like M’s.  Helpless and dependent.  Looking to be taken care of.  Fearful.  I say this because B takes care of me so I’m the same way.  Only in me it’s not a bad thing.  Ha ha.  Honesty is rarely appreciated.  But sometimes it’s helpful.  It made a difference in my relationship with B when I stopped being afraid of how I felt, what I didn’t like, etc.  It frees the other person up to be honest as well.  If they so choose.  And if they don’t, then you only had a pseudo-relationship with them anyway, so what’s the point?  What have you lost?  Just nothing really.  Except the illusion that you had a meaningful relationship that existed.  But I don’t see how you can have a genuine relationship if there isn’t some sort of balance and give and take.  One person shouldn’t be making all the effort all the time.  And really, am I wrong for thinking/feeling that’s how it is with K?  He rarely calls.  I call him.  He doesn’t write, doesn’t e-mail, doesn’t visit.  It’s fine as long as I make the effort.  But as soon as any is expected on his part, well, there ya go.  It’s woe is me, pout time, you don’t love me, etc.  I’m just tired of it.  I try to explain but it’s the same with M and D. They create this distance and I feel like they somehow expect me to bridge it.  They moved away.  It’s their responsibility to retain the relationship, not mine.  I didn’t go anywhere.

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