My Vein, My Blood – 2

11/14/03:

No one really wants to listen to me.  No one’s really interested in me.  In the mornings I wish I had someone to talk to.  Just sit and talk over coffee.  But I can’t even think of anyone who’s available.  Most of my friends work.  Or they’re not really the type who can sit for hours and chat or that I’d be able to share myself with or I’d be interested in.  Katie Couric is getting old.  I don’t understand anorexia.  I’m glad D’s happy.  She seems to really enjoy R and R seems like a pretty decent kid.  Sometimes I’m just tired.

12-2-03:

I guess the numb shock is a blessing.  Without it we’d fall apart in a million pieces.  D isn’t ready to go to school today.  I didn’t think she would be.  I just feel sad.  We’re supposed to thank God in all things.  I thank you God for this experience.  I thank you for the lessons this will teach us.  Are they things I thought I already knew?  Life is fragile?  Life is precious?  We are not in control?  The universe conspires to give us what we ask for.  In some way did I ask for this?  Is this going to make me grow, be better able to share, have more compassion?  Will I ever know what the lesson is?  Perhaps not.  Maybe it isn’t even a lesson for me.  Maybe it’s someone else’s lesson and I’m just standing by the wayside observing and being affected but not really drawn in.  I thank you God for this experience.  It is evidence of your power and the awesome randomness you’ve set upon the universe you created.  Ask and you shall receive.  I ask that D use this experience wisely.  That she learn from it and move through it and grow in your spirit.  I ask that for all who are affected by it.  But we don’t learn from others’ experiences.  Only from our own.  Maybe that’s the lesson here.  I’m so tired. I sleep but I don’t rest.  I wake up exhausted.  My eyes burn.  My head is fog.  Time will dull the pain.

12-4-03

I’m definitely not firing on all cylinders.  My concentration is shot.  I don’t remember things.  Even cleaning seems to be beyond me.  I’m functioning as best I can.  I wonder if R’s parents will sue us.  They don’t seem vindictive.  But that doesn’t mean a lawyer can’t talk them into it.  I wouldn’t sue were the situations reversed I don’t think.  But I don’t really know what I’d do in that situation.  D was driving over the speed limit.  That’s the reality.  I flip channels and don’t absorb what I hear or see.  It all seems pointless.  D says she’s doing homework.  I bet she’s sleeping.  And who could blame her?  My spoiled princess.  Her castle has come tumbling down.  She was tired of being the good girl.  I’m sad.  I keep thinking about R’s mom.  I feel like I shouldn’t be happy about anything, especially not anything that comes D’s way.  I’m just tired.

12-7-03

It’s Sunday morning and I’m not going to church.  So what am I doing instead?  Why am I so turned off of organized religion?  Why does it just not feel right to be a part of it any more?  I used to say if I didn’t go to church I had a bad week.  What bad things have happened since I stopped going?  To me?  To the kids?  Car wrecks.  D’s job.  R’s death.  Coincidence?  That’s like saying nothing bad ever happens to people who attend church regularly. You know it does.  And if I’d been going all along and these things still happened I’d be saying what good did church-going do?  It didn’t protect me.  Faith is what protects you.  And you don’t need a church to have faith.  I know God is there.  He’s very personal to me.  And I do believe Jesus has saved me, that God sent him here for a purpose.  I also believe we are all connected to each other through God who created us.  Our tears are the same color.  When we leave this life we go somewhere else.  Our soul is endless.  Once we exist because God created us we always are.  Just in different forms. And how do you know God’s purpose?  You don’t.  Life and death.  So beyond our meager understanding.  We can’t grasp the mind of God.  It should be enough to know He is there, a part of us, in us, around us, guiding us, comforting us.  And he chooses randomly or by his own design, the destiny of each of us, when we come into the world and when we leave it.  That tap on your shoulder, that whisper in your ear, that’s God.  The thought in your head to do some spontaneous act of kindness.  We’re all part of a big picture, God’s big picture.  We are all accountable to do our part, what God called us to do.  We do not honor him or ourselves by saying no.  Only by soldiering forward, doing His work do we honor Him and the life He gave us.

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