My Vein, My Blood – 18

9-26-06

Blizzard’s birthday.  I still miss that dog.  I wasn’t kind enough to him when I had him.  I am not a kind person.  I am jaded, bitter and disillusioned.  This whole thing with _____ should just be filed under “Life’s Not Fair” and I should move on.  We all know life’s not fair.  We just don’t want to be slapped in the face with it.  And with me the pay issue and the J preferential treatment was like a double whammy when I was already feeling low.  I hope T realizes that.  His wife probably told him he’s dealing with a middle-aged hormonal woman.  Let’s just move on.  It’s all like a puddle of water I’m trying to turn into an ocean.  Think of all B probably put up with over the years and sucked it up because there were bigger issues at stake than his own personal comfort and self-esteem.  No one can make you feel like a loser except yourself.  I yelled at Destiny before I got my garage door up and she didn’t take off.  For which I rewarded her with a petting and a cookie.  Maybe she’ll get the idea she can’t take off just because the door is up.  I hope so.  I think what’s really important is to remember that no one cares.  They care about their own lives.  They don’t care about yours.  I’m going to write now and screw reality.  It’s not all it’s cracked up to be anyway.

9-28-06

I am so down.  I thought I’d feel better today but I don’t.  Not sure why.  Everything and nothing probably.  My back hurts and my back rarely hurts.  Lack of exercise maybe.  I do know that every warm and fuzzy feeling I still had about _______ has evaporated due to the slap in the face about the pay raise.  Whose idea was this anyway?  It’s good to know I’m not the only one affected by it or upset about it.  But I really don’t want to spend any more time there than I have to.  I have to sell a book.  I have to earn money writing.  God help me.  I refuse to give up!!  ____ barely knows I’m alive.  He focuses on his job now.  He’s just not into me.  Not interested.  Doesn’t care.  Doesn’t get me.  Doesn’t want to know.

11-6-06

I am changing my behavior.  Instead of playing Minesweeper I’m journaling.  Doing affirmations.  It’s like George in that Seinfeld episode when he did everything the opposite of what he’d been doing and he met with success.  So every impulse I have toward wasting time and being lazy I should do the opposite of.  The thing is – I know I’m a bestselling author.  I know I’ll be successful commercially very soon.  God would not have given me this gift if he didn’t expect me to use it to write what I write and to further glorify Him in the process.  God is always there.  He’s a part of everything I do.  God lead me in all that I do.  Thank you for everything you’ve given me and for all that you plan to give me in the future.  Help me to use every gift to further glorify you.  Show me where I lack.  (My tongue?)

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